Shitting fire from Cazuela's

I'm going to post a disclaimer here: This is really graphic and talks a lot about pooping, so don't read this if you want to like yourself five minutes from now.

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So here we go. To set the scene, I decided to get a little ballsy last night and take on the Mucho Macho challenge at Cazuela's down on OSU's campus. I was rather hungry - which I often am - and was looking to do a little something out of the ordinary.

As we got to the restaurant, I asked the waiter how big the burrito was. He goes: "It's not how big, it's how spicy." Me: "Let's go for it."

I had a good ten minutes or so before the burrito arrived so I could take some time to think about what I was getting myself into. This was the "fear escalation" phase and hot fuck, it psyched me out. I read a blog post about a guy throwing up like 6 times after it. The Yelp review said "DO NOT TRY THE MUCHO MACHO BURRITO, SPICIEST THING EVER." And the Wikipedia page for Scoville Heat Units (SHUs) said that habanero peppers are anywhere from 100,000-350,000 units (the atomic wing at Quaker Steak if 150,000 for reference, and that sure sucked). Anyways, too late.

Piece of shit shows up in front of me, and I start to dive in. It tastes awful. Chicken burrito? What chicken, all I tasted was fire. The real details aren't really important. I finished the thing in 12 minutes and asked the waiter to take the plate away from me. Then I proceeded to drink a bunch of water, chew a bunch of ice. To calm the heat, I rubbed pieces of ice against my lips. That was a mistake. Turns out, I ended up just spreading a ring of fire around my lips - which was pretty attractive. Oh, and the entire time, I was sweating and crying. I swear, I even felt my ears steam at one point. The waiters were nice enough to bring me a bowl of sour cream and a glass of milk to help. When I could finally deal with the heat without water for a few minutes, I proceeded to immediately take a shit.

Oh, so this is just the beginning. Most challenges are accompanied by pride, some prizes, or something moderately cool. They didn't give me anything. I left the restaurant really just hating myself.

I got back to my car, downed a couple Tums, which didn't do anything, and drove home. The entire drive home, the only thing I could think was "David, please don't throw up." I get home, see my mom and dad at the kitchen table, and say "Mom and dad, I made a mistake," and proceed directly to bed to lay down. My mom comes in and was like, "jeez, I thought you wrecked your car or something. Just a little spicy food, not so worried anymore" (except all in Chinese, obvs).

Anyways, I'm in bed before 10 pm where I am extremely uncomfortable. I wake up at 1 am in a heap of cold-sweat, and my stomach feels like absolute shit. I'm nauseous and I have to poop. To avoid throwing up, I run to the bathroom, take a dump and take a piss and oh the fucking humanity...For the next 30 minutes, my wiener and my buttonhole are burning. I was shitting habenero fire and my asshole was not pleased. This was shit #2 anyways. I take a shower and move downstairs to another bed and lay down.

Next phase: Digestion. My poor digestive tract. The next two hours are characterized by my stomach just having spasm after spasm of pain. I have no clue what the fuck I don't even. You know the scene in Batman where the crazy guy is just holding his stomach howling because he has a cell phone sewed shut into his stomach? That's what I would do for five minutes at a time. Pounding the ground in pain, cold sweating in fear, and trying not to yell and wake up the entire goddamn house. At one point, I thought I had throw up, so I ran to the bathroom and accidentally kicked my dog and almost tripped. Poor thing. The pain eventually subsided and I was able to fall asleep...for 30 minutes before it came back as more shit started to stream through my intestines. Rinse, lather, repeat 10 times over and that was my night. I have no idea how much I slept because I kept getting interrupted by my stomach burning. I can't even describe the type of pain - not a sting and not numbing. Just...pressing maybe? Anyways, I woke up in the morning and felt much better, thinking that the goddamn burrito would stop haunting me after 3 overnight shits.

Naaaaah. I woke up and talked to my dad, who told me: "You're going to feel that in every dump you take today," and boy was he right. I've taken four today... and every time, my asshole burns for 30 minutes afterwards. Poops are no longer relieving.

Now, nearly 24 hours later. I've taken somewhere near 8 dumps, pissed my dick sore since I've been pissing lava, my intestinal tract is probably now acid burnt, and my stomach is probably that much closer to ulcering. Was it worth it? Fuck that shit. I'm never going back again. If God existed, he wouldn't have create such a stupid challenge. It was like having my worst hangover, but worse, and not being able to sleep it off, because I kept having to get up, cringe, and cry like a wailing baby. The nice part about hangovers is that you typically enjoy the night before. For this, there was no reward, only punishment and 24 hours of it. The fire lingers every burp, cough, sneeze, piss and shit. Literally the worst decision I've made in recent memory.

I can think of only a few reasons why you'd ever do this challenge and none of them are pride related.
1) You're a sadist.
2) You hate yourself.
3) You want to shit your intestines out and suffer through a nauseous painful night of habenero terror.
4) You're looking to acquire stomach ulcers.

Final results: I paid $3.15 for a bowl of sour cream, a glass of milk, the worst night of my life, my confidence in eating spicy food shattered, and my pride flushed down the toilets with the eight dumps I took. Have a good night, assholes. Fuck Cazuela's forever.